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The way that friendships come about is not a shock but it is sort of hard to wrap your head around. Which is why you make friends at work or in your freshman dorm or your kindergarten class.
It just has to be someone that you have access to on a pretty regular basis and that’s where that friendship will grow from.
I think women don’t do that to do that, and they don’t want to do that, especially with these women that they relied on for so long like there’s no reason to do that, no matter if they are coupled or not.
I think many women find it hard to make friends, especially after leaving school and structure environments like that. You really have to put yourself out there to form a friendship–you have to be willing to say to the other person like ‘Hey, do you want to go with me for coffee or yoga or shopping or whatever–you have to make that overture and sometimes the person isn’t interested.
I caught up with Kayleen to talk about her book, why friendship is particularly important to single women, and the difficulties of building friendships. My book is about female friendship, specifically how powerful it is.
It goes back and looks at the history of how women’s friendships were perceived way back in the Middle Ages until now, and shows the evolution and what I see as the triumph of female friendship–it’s a relationship that women are now elevating themselves and saying ‘No, my friendships are just as important as my relationships with my romantic partner, with my family, with my work’ and taking friendship to a level that it hasn’t quite been put on up till now.
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The average age is late twenties, I think, but even so in cities it’s higher–so we’re spending longer than ever without a romantic partner and that opens up this space and time where we value our friendships as much or maybe more than the previous generation did.
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There aren’t a lot of studies on friendship which is odd because it’s such an important relationship but it’s just not that studied compared to romantic relationships which, actually, gives you a sense right there of how we were told to think about our friendships. My mom had gotten married when she was young and most everyone I knew around me, in my hometown, were partnered or married, but I wasn’t ready and you know instead of being like ‘He wasn’t right, I’ll just go on another 50 dates’ or whatever.
My own genesis of valuing my female friends so much came from my personal experience of deciding I wasn’t ready to get married to my long term boyfriend. I didn’t do that and I really looked to my friends and my friendships as relationships.